I have been trying to identify what this nagging feeling has been for the past couple months. Through reflective practice, conversations with loved ones, coaches and mentors, I have landed on what I am calling the "neutral zone". Not "neutral" as in conflict-free, but "neutral" as in a state of coasting - allowing the momentum from the moves I have made in recent years to continue to propel things forward at a slower pace - without a pedal to the metal and white knuckles gripping the wheel.
On my recent cycling trip to Ireland, there were moments when I was pedaling down the road and I would ask myself "am I going uphill or downhill right now?" Then I would answer for myself "girl, If you can't tell, you're probably just on a flat road!" And what a perfect metaphor it is for this neutral space I have found myself in. The eerie feelings I have been having that cause me to panic and assume something is "wrong" are a result of things not being too hard or too easy. Which is truly not a bad place to be.
Some of the commitments I stated for 2019 were related to work and some to personal goals, either way, they have begun to fall flat for me. Lacking excitement and purpose. Right now, I'm learning to get okay with not having a ton of things on the horizon, because, truth be told, I'm not entirely clear on what I want in my work life at this very moment. And that has been a scary and insecure place for me to exist. Who am I if I am not working toward something purposeful?
I have hesitated with sharing this point of view for fear of being judged or seen as uninspiring or even negative, and I'm now realizing the power and truth in doing the work to get honest about where you are at right now, and meeting yourself there with grace and kindness.
So here I am, standing in my "less is more" season, allowing things to come in to focus in their own time without forcing. If I look at how I spend my time every day, it's not like it doesn't reflect my personal values and maybe it's flowing better than if I tried to over-engineer it. Because I actually do feel really good right now.
No, I'm not working out as much as I used to, but I feel good. No, I'm not eating perfectly, but I feel good. No, I'm not creating a ton of content or launching new programs right now, but I feel good.
Yes, I am spending a lot of time at home with my family, and that feels really good. Yes, I am doing great work consistently (day job and coaching), and that feels good. Yes, I am making time to enjoy all the small moments that no one else may notice but that make my life so full, and that feels good.
So for now, I am going to harness the power of the "neutral zone". My internal dialogue often revolves around needing to change or "fix" things constantly, based on the things that I judge myself for, or that I don't love about myself, and that trickles in to my goals and the kinds of things I choose to focus on. The magic I am finding in this "neutral zone" is acceptance and peace, and that too, feels really good.
So for the month of June, I am committing to changing nothing and continuing to do the things that feel good, and there's no shame in that. If you find yourself in a similar season, I honour you for the courage it takes to stand firmly where you are with confidence.